Lately, behind the screens, I have been focusing on a deeply intimate theme. Sharing it with you today feels right, even if my journey is only beginning, because my intuition tells me you might need some guidance too.
As you have all understood by now, I have met incredible resistance to let go of my attachment to Shanghai, my home for over a decade, and it has limited me to fully embrace my new life in New York so far. I didn’t know you could grieve a city, but as I found out through my own experience, you definitely can. I miss my Shanghai relaxed simple life, I miss my people and my familiar surroundings, I miss the streets, the language, the smells and the flavors, the smiles and… the list is too long to even start.
But, I finally came to realize, pretty recently, that what I miss the most… is my past self.
Last year, I was decided and ready to leave Shanghai to start a new chapter, but I didn’t comprehend at all at the time that, by doing so, I would also let my Shanghai Best Self behind. The version of myself who worked so hard to reach the quality of life she was dreaming about for years and who could finally enjoy it fully. Ah that precious rewarding feeling of having built a life of your own, entirely aligned with your aspirations! Especially when you have come a long long way.
My Shanghai Best Self was confident and accomplished (French Dragon lăobăn!), she was surrounded by inspiring creative people and nourished by beautiful friendships, she had mastered the simple luxury lifestyle, she was empowered, she had learned to trust her strengths, to care for her weaknesses and had all the tools in her box to do so. And o-m-g she was hot! All these barre classes and yin yoga and acupuncture treatments and massages at the spa did really pay, the girl was glowing! She was the woman I always wanted to be and I truly believed she would come with me to New York (I really needed her). But no, she definitely didn’t come with me, she wouldn’t come and she seemed to be long gone. ‘Forever?’ wonders my anxious mind.
(Has this dream of a woman ever only existed in my imaginative Shanghai reminiscence? Yes probably!)
The day I stopped waiting for my Shanghai Best Self to come back (a month ago), the day I finally accepted I was in full mode ‘Life-Death-Life’ cycle (a week ago), some things in me started shifting. I could finally acknowledge my emotions of sadness, anger, despair for what they were, healthy parts of a grieving process. I could also realize how stuck I had been in these emotions. The grieving process, though normal, seemed blocked in its course. I needed a gentle push to the next step, to put my emotion back in motion.
Here are the physical & emotional practices I am exploring at the moment that have brought me support in this process, the common theme being SOFT MOVEMENT:
🌀WRITING MORNING PAGES
Since July 3rd, every morning, I wake up, fill a glass of lemon water, and seat at my desk to write my morning pages. They have been my best support to go through the last stretch of filling my green card application and processing the daily rollercoaster of emotions that went with it. I now find myself looking forward to this sacred moment of connection to my inner life. It has been freeing to move my thoughts from my overcrowded mind to the paper, it has created space and beautiful moments of intuition or creativity. I will do my best to hold myself accountable to continue this practice.
🌀RELEASING MY HIPS
The first place where my emotions are stored and blocked in my body are in my hips area. I can feel it because it will hurt a lot on days I have strong negative emotions. By a happy accident on my Internet wandering, I found this online workshop by the Workout Witch (don’t laugh!), called Free your hips in 30 days (don’t laugh!!). It was recommended by an artist I follow and trust, who is going through a similar ‘Life-Death-Life’ cycle. I am at day 7, and so far the world of somatic practices has revealed to be soft, gentle and very relaxing. Everything I needed.
🌀CARING FOR MY PERIODS FLOW
Not living in China anymore won’t stop me from being convinced with Chinese Traditional Medicine. I have tried it and loved it for years and I can’t get enough. So when I heard about this New York based company offering TCM remedies for painful periods, I had a big long exhale. I am two cycles in using these herbal drops in the hope of helping my periods flow more gently, without unnecessary inflammation. I don’t know if my March surgery is finally leading to some improvements or if it is the Chinese herbs magic, but my periods pain has reduced. I will start my third Elix Cycle Balance bottle next week and hope for the best.
🌀GOING BACK TO EXERCISING
I am proud to announce that after over a year of physical exercise hiatus I am back at putting my body in movement and making it strong! On Wednesday, I finally bought a monthly pass at the Barre studio I have been eying for weeks. It is the exact same practice I was doing in Shanghai, that was bringing so much joy and balance to my life. I am already 3 classes in and I love everything about them. The relaxing twenty minutes walk to the studio passing by all the Boerum Hill’s beautiful brown stones, the gorgeous space and the sense of shared effort with the community, the long stretching sessions back at home. The only fact that my body has reacted so well –no sore muscles!!- after such a long time without exercising says it all. I gave it what it needed the most. Movement.
🌀PAINTING BODIES IN MOTION
And finally, I will have the pleasure to introduce you next Sunday Ariane Solal’s new paintings series I have been working on in July, that is all about bodies in the flow. Spiral symbols, yoga poses, bodies stretching in the sun… I think I painted the slow gentle movement I was craving to see in myself, and, by doing so, I birthed this movement into reality. I hope my paintings will have the same soothing effect on you.
I would absolutely LOVE to read about your personal practices, if you feel comfortable sharing in the comments or if you want to write privately to me by answering this email. It is one of my favorite topics to discuss, and I believe we should all have a space to exchange, share and get inspired by other’s soothing experiences!
Here for you, always <3
Laure-Anne
Thanks for sharing your precious expérience ✨ I also love my morning rituals : preparing tea with a slice of lemon, then writing my 3 morning pages and meditating for 10/20 minutes with one of my favorite méditation supports (Petit Bambou, Neo or Moonly). Helps me as well to make yoga and water activities at my sports club ✨
Thanks for this article, it helps to read some emotions going through myself as well